I was awoken a few nights ago by a crying toddler "Mommmmmmmmmyyyyyyyy"..... I jumped up and stiffly walked down the hallway to her bedroom. Delilah was sitting up in her bed. "Mommy" sniffle, "I neeeeeeed myyyyy Paaaaaaaaat" (Pat: endearing name for pacifier... and yes, we are still doing that) I promply smoothed her sheets to find not only one, but three (of the eight) "pats" tangled in a mess of sheets and blankets. I gathered them and placed them by her hands. Without opening an eye, she stuck one to her mouth, thumbed the others, rolling over back into a deep sleep.

Just as I nestled myself back into my own warm bed, turing my pillow over to the "cold spot" and closed my eyes, I was alerted once again by the wails of my 6 month old. Cecilia had outgrown her arms reach co-sleeper a few weeks previous, so every night we would put her in her room, in her crib... crossing our fingers that one of these nights she would "sleep through the night" (which has yet to happen).

So, once again, but this time physically quicker (I had just strethed hadn't I?) I go down the hallway to Cecilia's room and retrive the squirming wailing little one from her crib.

Like evry night at about this time, I bring her to our bedroom, lay her between my husband and I and nurse her. Sidelying... she suckles... I start to doze... I know I am almost back to sleep because my thoughts are no longer of anything of importance... they are mangled with images of a school bus turned on its side and Nell Carter yelling profanities at the driver trapped inside....

"MOM-MMMMMMYYYYYYY....... MOMMMY......MOMMAAAAAY"

I open my eyes. Slightly confused.

"Moooommmmmyyyyy!!!"

I shake my head. I realize that my breast is still attached to a little one, still suckling away.

"MOOOOOMMMMMMMMMY" Delilah cries from two doors down. Fear. She is awake and needs me. And then I am reminded that I am physically attached to another who needs me.

I kick my husband.

"What." he mumbles.

"Delilah" I say. "She is crying."

"Mmmmhmmm" he grumbles before hoisting himself out of bed.

"Moooommmmy"

I close my eyes again and try to get back into that dream state...

what was that again? Nell Carter... school bus... penguins....

"I WANT MOMMY.... MOMMY... I WANT MMMYYY MOMMMMMY"

I know he is doing the best job he can. My husband. He is so gentle with our daughters. I could picture him curled up next to her, rubbing her back trying to console her to sleep.... gently hushing....

"I WAANT MOOOMMMMMMMAAAAYYYY"

I lay there now, eyes open. My boob practically suffocating the one who is busily snacking. I have nothing but anger running through my body. I want to scream ... I can't be in two places at once. I simply cannot divide myself in two and be something to both of you! I JUST CAN'T DO IT!!!

I am exhausted. It has been three years since I have slept an entire 8 hour stretch.

I want them to understand that.

...but they can't... and that is what makes it tough.